I'm not too sure if you've ever been in the situation where you are simultaneously being exposed to new (to you) teaching; running those teachings through your current paradigm; weighing them with what you know to be true (and what you previously thought to be true); how to repent (change your thinking) in the areas that are showing to be lies; and what it looks like to walk out your new identity (how God sees you) - but it's hard work!! Sometimes this procedure is a daily occurrence, other times it's strung out over a couple of weeks, but it's constant. Don't get me wrong - it's not like there's a focus on all the bad stuff and I'm just introspective to the max. It's kind of weird. The closer I get to God, the more paradoxical I realise this relationship is. To an analytical mind that finds comfort is such things as rhyme and reason or cause and effect I find I am frequently surprised by the effect of relationship with the Most Holy One.
The biggest example of this in my life has been about striving vs rest. Now there are times we are called to work - and to work well. But that's not my focus at this time. Since I've been here in Redding it's clear to me that I am in a season of rest. Part of my journey was learning what that even looks like! As Christians we spout mantra's such as "It is through grace we are saved, by faith, not by works." yet who are the first people to feel guilty when they're in a season of rest. I find that there are two main groups of people in the church - those who can't do nothing because they feel at a loss or guilty; and those who do nothing because of hurt or burnout and can't bear to go through that pain again. I have had wonderful mentors who have imparted much wisdom to be and I haven't burned out, but I was definitely in the former group for some time.
I know my anointing. I know my calling. I may not know what form it will take, but working with children is my thing. The trouble was, if I had no children to work with or to impart to, I didn't feel like I was being true to myself. By the end of my 3 months touring Europe on a summer holiday I was itching for some children to work with. I was going crazy on the inside. And you may sympathise with me. You will probably want to console me and tell me that feeling like that is normal. What I've come to realise in my life is that it may be common, I may be able to rationalise that thought, but it's not actually God's best for me. It's almost there but it stops... short... of... the... target...
Figuring this out is a fine line. I'm not too sure how many of you will understand what I'm getting at, but if you do, I promise your life will change.
We are called first to what? Love God. Then? Love others. And to what measure do we love others? Just as we love ourselves. Ok. Now how do we know that we love ourselves? When I can see myself just how God sees me. Cool! I can do that. I love myself. There, I said it so I must believe it. God loves me, I'm saved, I've got a good job, I'm pretty cool, I have good friends etc. But what reaction do you get when someone looks you deep in the eyes and tells you all the things you're currently struggling with? How do you respond when they tell you that they still love you? What about when a good friend of yours gives you $1000 for no other reason than they wanted to bless you? Do you refuse? Why? Because you're not worth it? Because you feel guilty? Is that truly loving yourself? Let's assume you agree with the Bible when it says that all good gifts come from God (James 1:17). Theoretically (this is Aimee thinking aloud) it's not a human thought to just give someone a large amount of money, so let's assume that the Holy Spirit has led someone to give, and they're quite happy to do that. Does Heaven have limited resources? Will God cause this person to be in financial trouble because they gave to you? Do we think that because we have received money that someone else will not ("oh, no, I couldn't take that - give it to someone who needs it more than me!")?
Let's think of this another way. How many times have you given a gift to your four year old child (or when you were a child been given a gift) that the child refused it because they don't deserve it? Has your four year old ever suggested you sell the gift and give it to someone who deserves it more than they do? What qualifies them for the gift? Sometimes nothing more than the fact that he's your child. The fact that you love her. The fact that you want your child to be blessed and enjoy life. Sometimes I think parents miss this opportunity with their children and it forms thought processes in their minds that carry over into their relationship with God.
Now I'm going to share a revelation I got from my own experience as a teacher and as a child. Often, parents and teachers want to reward specific behaviours. They may be proud of a child for an accomplishment or something new they've learnt and so they reward their child. This is known as positive reinforcement. The trouble with only using this methodology is that children learn very quickly that doing good works = getting good things. Some children may only do good for the reward rather than for the integrity or internal reward of the action. Others may not know how to respond when a good gift is given for no apparent reason - they may feel like they need to earn that reward by doing some more good works. This runs over into our relationship with God the Father. I had a very hard time at first understanding that God requires nothing of me in order to love me. It was a very difficult time for me when God told me he wanted to love me with me offering nothing in return. What?! How do you even do that? Well, I'm not sure how it works for everyone, but all I did was be open. There were so many times I felt guilty for not spending time with Jesus. I decided I was no longer going to be guilty (Holy Spirit doesn't use guilt). I would lie on my bed with some beautiful worship music on and do nothing but open my heart. I didn't speak. I tried not to conjure up any thoughts. At very first I didn't even try to hear what God was saying. I just said, "Do what you want." Then slowly, over time, I would feel my heart start to soften and open. In various classes in school we looked at the father-heart of God, and explored intimacy with Him and so in those classes I would participate at we were led, but in my time with God - I rested. I didn't even feel guilty if I went to sleep. I would just assume it was all part of God's plan to love on me!!
I began to see how much I didn't love myself. How much I felt unworthy. How I didn't feel deserving of his love. But in those moments his voice would whisper his thoughts to me. He would give me pictures of his love for me and I learnt to accept them. I decided I would believe it was true no matter how effectively that little sneaky voice would argue in my head that it's all my imagination. I chose to side with truth. God's truth. God's truth that I'm worthy of everything he chooses to lavish on me. That worthiness comes through the price that Jesus paid. God loves me so much that he sent his son to die that I may live life to the fullest with him! He made a way. All I have to do is believe and accept it. How do I know if I've truly accepted it? When people compliment me and I can take it without making excuses or feeling guilty. I know I'm there if I can receive a gift from someone without the compulsion to pay them back or give it all away to someone else. I know I understand when I spend time with God and he can love on me and I simply enjoy it. I'm still on a journey. I'm still learning. But life is so much more fun and exciting when I can live life knowing that I'm God's favourite! (Don't worry - you are too!) I am learning to minister to others from the overflow of the love I am receiving from my Father. This is the key. This exact point is the difference between working through striving and working from rest. I want to give people my best, and my best is me full of Jesus' love. I want to be in a state of continuous in-filling so that I can spill out on people. That's the most fun way to work, and if this is how you minister, you'll never burn out!!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. This week I've been challenged a lot in the area of receiving. I have signed up for a missions trip to Honduras that I cannot afford on my own and I'm taking a step into vulnerability and offering you a chance to partner with me in getting there. My trip will cost $1990 and because I am on a student visa I am not entitled to work in the States. This is very difficult for me as prior to coming to Bethel I had always worked for everything and now, in this season of rest, my hands are tied and I can't even find loopholes!!
If you would like to contribute to my trip I have included a link where you can donate by credit card directly to the account held by the school. If you are a citizen of America then this donation can be tax deductible.
I would be so grateful for anything you may be able to contribute and I bless the donations to receive a 100 fold return. If you would like more information on the trip and what I'll be doing then please contact me on Facebook or email me aimeegreig@gmail.com and I can send you more information!
To donate by credit card follow the link https://missiontrips.ibethel.org/ and search for Aimee Greig!
Thank you all so much
Much love
Aimee
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